Funny Things to Ponder

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Chris number what???

eHarmony owes me a damn refund! In the last 2 months, I’ve had only 3 people that actually completed the “guided communication” that the site recommends. Out of over 200 matches (over half of which are in other states!) only 3 people are actually PAYING for the site and can communicate with me. What a joke!

I’m also stuck with a profile that I can’t delete until my 3-month membership is completed. It really annoys me to no end that I’ve sent messages to probably 20 people and received nothing back from them. I mean, the concept of eHarmony is great, but if people can’t do anything but see your profile unless they pay for it, then no one is going to bother with the site. I know that once my 3 months is over, I’m outta there! Big fat waste of time!

Yet another annoyance is the fact that I’ve had 19 matches named Chris/Christopher/Kristopher and 10 that were named Steve/Steven/Stephen. Let’s just say those two names have not been very lucky for me. Honestly, I thought Chris was the only one I should steer clear of, but sadly… Steven has been added to the list. The only two people I’ve actually met from eHarmony were named Steven and Stephen. At least I didn’t have to worry about confusing their names at dinner… Unfortunately, neither of them were really a good match for me.

If you know me, and I’m pretty sure if you’re reading this blog you do, then you know about my history with men named Chris. It is likely if I speak of any one of my serious relationships, I will be asked “Which one?” when the name Chris comes up. The reason for this is that I’ve dated 4 different Chris’s seriously. I never INTENTIONALLY dated guys named Chris, it just happened that way. Obviously, it’s a damn popular name because even eHarmony is trying to add to the list of Chris’s.

So, thanks to my past history with the name Chris, I won’t date anyone with the name. I know it sounds ridiculous, but honestly…who would want to explain YET ANOTHER guy named Chris when you bring him home for Thanksgiving or Christmas? It’s kind of embarrassing that my family has a running joke every time I date anyone seriously (which sadly hasn’t happened since Chris number 4 over a year and a half ago…aka Hailee’s dad). The first thing they ask is “Is his name Chris??”

So anyway, back to eHarmony… Your guarantee that you’ll find me a match is BULLSHIT. Thanks for wasting my time. I think I’ll just avoid dating websites COMPLETELY from now on thanks to creepy guys (see HEY YOU! YEAH, YOU!) and eHarmony’s lack of paying users.

Monday, September 20, 2010


There is nothing more unnerving than having a random stranger look you in the eye and call you by name when you’ve never seen them before in your life. So far, in the last six months, this has happened to me not once, not twice, not even three times, but FOUR separate times. Hence my reason for deleting my online dating profiles. Until yesterday, I didn’t realize that 3 of the 4 incidences were related, but still… It’s creepy as hell to have this happen multiple times.

Incident number 1:
            While making one of my rounds at Cactus Moon, I walk past a group of people only to hear someone call me by name. Confused, I look around (and eventually up) at a rather tall guy who seemed to know me. My response was “Yes?? Who are you?” To which he replied “No one” and disappeared into the crowd. I didn’t see him again.

Incident number 2:
            While shopping for a birthday gift for a friend, I was stopped in the Foothills Mall by and older lady who was a survey taker. She managed to get my name before I realized I didn’t have time for all that nonsense and I moved on to continue my shopping. As I headed back through the mall after making my purchase, yet another survey taker stopped me. This time it was a tall man and he stopped my in my tracks by saying my name. At the time I assumed he got my name from the other lady (or had overheard me tell her my name.)

Incident number 3:
            While grocery shopping, a shorter dark haired man with two small children stopped me. He looked right at me and started talking like we knew each other. Confused, I looked at him and said “I’m sorry…. do I know you?” His little girl whispered something to him (I think she asked him if he knew me); he nodded to her, then looked at me for a minute as if he was waiting for me to recognize him, then he apologized and walked away.

Incident number 4:
            Yet again while shopping in the Foothills Mall, the male survey taker called me by name as I walked by. Confused, I looked at him and said, “Wow, you have a good memory.” To which he replied, “Have you been hanging out at Cactus Moon lately?” WOAH. WTF??? Back this truck up. At this point I’m confused as HELL. “Wait a minute,” I said. “How do you know….” His response was “Don’t worry, I’m not stalking you. I was on OkCupid. You look just like your pictures.”

And THAT is why I no longer have profiles on dating websites. On THREE separate occasions, the SAME person has walked up to me and I never even knew who he was. He knew my name and where I like to hang out. If I hadn’t thought about it for a minute, I never would have known he was the guy from Cactus Moon either. I only saw him for a second before he disappeared that night.

The other guy had seen me on the same website. Apparently we’d chatted once or twice (and yet again, he didn’t look a damn thing like his picture) and I didn’t have a clue who he was until he messaged me later on when I got home.

So ladies… here is my advice;

If you don’t want creepy men knowing your name and randomly calling you out in public, don’t list it on a dating website and don’t use it as part of your user-name. Make up something stupid like “TheSerialDatist”. Then when they see you, they’ll never know what to call you! 

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Warning…the F word is used a LOT in this one…

Since my move to Tucson, I’ve met a LOT of people. Some good, some not so good, and some…well, some were just evil. One such person said so many hurtful things to me that I decided I had to make a change. Rather than go through the progression of that particular relationship, I’ll just start with the end and the conversation that triggered a fierce transformation within me.

Boy: “Hey, why don’t you come over and give me some?”
Me: “No, I’ve met someone that I really like and I’m not really interested in messing that up for a lousy lay”
Boy: “Oh come on. You know it’s not going to work out with that douche bag. Just come F*** me”
Me: “What makes you think it’s not going to work out you jerk? And NO I’m not going to come F*** you”
Boy: “You’re the most negative f***ing person I know. You’ll never be happy because you’re so f***ing miserable.”
Me: “F*** YOU. You’re an asshole”
Boy: “No, F*** YOU, YOU FAT A** MISERABLE B***H. You’re going to die alone because no one wants a fat b***h like you.”

This exchange probably continued for over an hour and ended with me sobbing and him threatening me by saying “I know where you f***ing live bitch. I WILL GET YOU.”

Needless to say, I cut all communication with this person and threatened to go to the police. I also took a handgun training course and a few kickboxing/self defense classes to help me get over my fear of being attacked. I decided that soon after that incident I was going to become a healthier and stronger person. With this change, I was also determined to become a more positive person. That has probably been one of the most difficult changes I've tried to make.

At one point immediately after our conversation I questioned, AM I going to be alone and miserable and FAT forever?? Will anyone ever be able to love someone like me? Someone that has been overweight her entire life. Someone that puts on the front that I don't give a shit, but whose feelings get hurt really easily. I really took every word he said to heart and felt like I was worthless to anyone. Honestly, it doesn't matter WHO makes comments like that, I always take them to heart. It feels like just one more person pointing out everything that's wrong with me...

Even now, after making so many positive changes in the last year, I find myself lapsing into old habits. When I’m stressed, I eat. When I’m sad, I eat. When I’m angry, I eat. Food is truly an addiction for me. Food makes me feel better even though I know in the long run it makes me feel worse and I feel guilty when I indulge.

As of now, I’m trying everything I know how in order to change these patterns. I haven’t been fully successful and every single day is a struggle, but I know that at some point it’s going to just ‘click’ for me. I just hope that point comes soon.

I realize that no one can truly love me until I love myself. It seems I give advice to others, but I never seem to listen to it myself. Recently a friend told me that I’m the most confident person they’ve known, and yet…I’m not. I wake up every day and look in the mirror and think of everything that I want to change about myself.

I’ve said before that my biggest fear is failure. Recently, I’ve come to believe that this isn’t entirely true. I think my biggest fear is finding success and realizing that it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. What happens if I finally reach my goal weight? Do I spend the rest of my life struggling to keep the weight off and being miserable because I’m so focused on the number on the scale? Or do I constantly worry that if someone DOES fall in love with me, they only like me for what I’ve become and not for the REAL me? But really…who the f*** IS the REAL me??? I’m starting to wonder that myself…

The truth is…No matter what my weight, I’ll always be a fat person on the inside. My insides haven’t changed at all. The only thing that has changed is being able to fake confidence and learning how to smile more. Whatever it takes to fit in, right? Sometimes I think being an adult is as bad as high school. If you don't fit the mold, the you must find a way to carve out a little more room.

And by the way...If I ever do actually buy a gun and someone tries to attack me....I shoot to kill. 
Just call me Annie Effin Oakley. :)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

My turn-around time is getting faster....

The story starts like any amazing romance. Girl is watching Alabama-San Jose State football game at a bar (ROLL TIDE!!!) and boy walks up to ask if she’s watching the other TV on the wall. He asks to sit with her (he’s pretty cute so of course girl says YES) and they commence talking for the rest of the game. She barely pays attention to the game at all and misses 48 points worth of Alabama awesomeness. They exchange numbers and she leaves to meet her friends for a night of dancing. For the remainder of the evening they exchange texts about how great it was to meet someone and really “Click” with them. Boy then asks girl to dinner the following night. Obviously she agrees and the next night they meet up for a great dinner with even greater conversation. They have an amazing time but sadly, he lives in Seattle and is only visiting his parents for the week and will be leaving in two days. They spend the rest of the holiday weekend together watching movies, shopping, and being that annoying handholding couple everywhere they go.  Regrettably they must say a sad goodbye on Monday night.

The rest of that week is full of texts and phone calls about how much he misses her and can’t wait to see her again, so he books a plane ticket for the following week and emails her the itinerary.

Oh my, this is the stuff that fairy-tales are made of…

Now, let’s fast-forward ONE week to September 11, 2010. Strangely, I haven’t gotten any texts this evening. Apparently he’s watching a football game. So I blow it off and do my own thing. Around 10pm I decide to give him a quick call before I go to bed. He answers and sounds obviously drunk. No big deal right? I can hear his female roommate in the background talking in a very loud voice. He sits silently on the phone as she yells, “Let me talk to her! She needs to know what she’s getting into!”

Oh boy… here we go. I thought I was going to avoid all the drama with this one… He says, “Here, I’m going to let you talk to my roommate” and actually hands her the damn phone! (Red flag that this guy is a little nuts…)

The kind-hearted (I truly believe that she is) roommate begins by telling me how horrible of a person this guy is and then explains that he’s a ‘raging alcoholic’ that she saved from being homeless after he got out of rehab (!!). Then says that he tried hooking up with her since he arrived home this week. Then she says that she just wanted me to know what I’m getting into because he made her think that he cared about her and he's used her for the last 7 months…. and on and on and on…

Whoa. I’ve remained silent through this entire rant. She hands him back the phone and he says, “So now you know about me. I thought you should know.” Then he says, “but I’m still coming to see you.”

Wait a minute…. WHAT??? You’ve got to be shitting me??? You think I’m dumb enough to bother with all this drama??? We’ve been on like 2 dates. Seriously. I don’t fall that easily. I’m not dumb like I used to be.

So I tell him he needs to let his parents know that he will need a ride from the airport because I won’t be there to pick him up. Why the hell would I subject myself to yet another dead end relationship? I’ve dealt with enough alcoholics and liars for one lifetime. Give me a fucking break.

On a side note…I think the roommate and I would get along. It sounds like she’s dealing with all the same kind of bullshit that I’ve dealt with over the years… I feel her pain.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Serial Dating for Dummies

How does one become a Serial Dater, you might ask?

Step 1: Get out of your comfort zone… also known as moving away from home. You have to remove the option of spending your free time with people you already know.

Step 2: Spend too much time alone in a new city with no friends and nothing fun to do.

Step 3: Join a free (yes…the free ones) dating website or two in order to quench your thirst for ACTUAL human interaction.

Step 4: Post good pictures on said websites. Feel free to leave the profile blank. No one ever reads the crap you write about yourself. This will become clear during your first conversation when they ask you a question that you undoubtedly answered in your profile.

If you follow these steps, you will begin by getting tons of messages from random strangers pretending to actually care what you like to do for fun. Followed up by even more messages from those same strangers trying to see if you’re interested in bizarre sex acts.

Once you’ve weeded out as many of the creepiest people as possible, you slowly start having normal conversations with the less creepy people. Then suddenly they ask you to meet for coffee. Yes, it’s nerve-wracking, but at least it’s in a public place and the topic of your favorite sexual position hasn’t come up yet. You've likely already started to view this person as "a nice guy" if he hasn't made any rude comments yet.

At this point you begin going on lots and lots of dates with some really boring people and some really big jerks just looking for sex. The same questions get asked… Where are you from, what music do you like, what’s your favorite movie, where’s the craziest place you’ve had sex…. And the list goes on and on and on.

After a few months of first dates that never lead to anything, you eventually become a pro at answering these questions and avoiding the uncomfortable ones like “Are you a lesbian?” and remarks like “you look bigger in person” or "you're fatter than girls I usually date". Typically the questions and comments aren’t quite so rude, but I’ve truly met some bona fide winners…. and by winners I mean ASSHOLES with no etiquette (which is probably the reason they are still single and on a dating website).

Unfortunately, going on first dates over and over gets exceedingly boring after a while and you eventually try to date the one guy that is utterly wrong for you. He’s the jerk that points out that you’ve gained some weight and is constantly asking you if you worked out that day. All while ordering pizzas and hot wings every time you hang out together. Yes…. this is the real Gem of the west. He’s about 30-40 pounds overweight (all in his beer gut from drinking a case of beer every night), but still thinks he’s buff enough to get the model chicks. He has an ego the size of Texas, and thinks that just the fact that he hangs out with you is a gift that you should cherish. *Gag*.

So at this point, you decide it’s better to just be single and keep going on those boring ass first dates. You never know when someone could surprise the hell out of you and make it interesting. 

Friday, September 10, 2010

Drinkin' and Bloggin'

Probably not the best idea I've ever had, but hell.... who cares?

So there comes a point in every woman's life...ok...maybe not EVERY woman's... At some point all of us SINGLE women start to wonder "Why the hell am I trying to date when I'm having so much fun being single???"

The answer to that, my friends, is immediately obvious the second that you pull back the covers, climb into bed alone, and throw your arm across a big fluffy pillow. Sure, the pillow is comfy and soft, but it doesn't cuddle or wrap it's (non-existent) arms around you. The funny part is that on most days, going to bed alone doesn't faze me in the slightest. Then there are those random nights that it slaps you across the forehead and you start to panic and wonder if you'll ever meet anyone worthy of being your cuddle buddy. Then you start looking through your cell phone for a "friend" to invite over.

I'm sure you ladies that are unfamiliar with being single for long periods of time are wondering, "What do you do when this happens??? "

Don't get me wrong.... a girl's got needs too! I've enjoyed a few late night calls myself, but to tell you the truth, I'm learning that it's better to keep cuddling that pillow. The alternative can land you with "Mr. Wrong" or "Mr. Right Now" or "Mr. I Just need to borrow a few bucks". I think it's best to just be patient for a little while. Keep kissing frogs if you must but if you don't get butterflies when you look at them don't let it linger for too long. No one should ever settle for an "ok" romance and if your heart isn't in it, then it'll only end badly. You could be passing up your Knight in Shining Armor because you spent so much time on a Loser in Aluminum Foil. :)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

My life according to a psychic

I suppose I should begin this blog by saying that 90% of my craziest dating experiences have happened within the last year. Exactly a year ago, I decided to accept a job in Tucson, AZ. I moved 1400 miles away from everything and everyone I'd ever known to begin this ridiculous adventure known as my life. I must say... it's been ANYTHING but boring.

I've dated a LOT in the last year. So much so, that it seems I've forgotten many of their names (or maybe they were just THAT forgettable...) Most never made it past the first date, and only a couple made it past the second date. I suppose you could say that I'm picky...but that isn't entirely true. I've just met some really...interesting (being nice here) people on this crazy trip.

So by this point you're probably wondering "WTF does all this crap have to do with a psychic???"

I'm getting there....

So I met some awesome girlfriends that decided to take a trip to Sedona about a month ago. My only request for our adventure was that I got to go see a psychic. I've had so many ridiculous experiences with men that I honestly had lost all hope of finding a man. I was resorting to the supernatural powers of a random psychic to restore my faith. So off we go to the psychic. :)

Immediately upon meeting me, the psychic felt the urge to put her hands on me, which honestly freaked me out a bit, but hey! What do I know about being psychic?

Then the real freak out began.

1) She told me about a breathing problem I'd been having and pin pointed the exact issue (Sometimes my throat closes up and she pointed to her throat as she explained it.... not to her chest as one would think). "It's an allergy,” she told me.

2) She starts reading my palm and giving me the typical "you're life line is extremely long" B.S. (Seemed a little hokey at that point, but she'd already caught my interest with the breathing thing.) Then she tells me I'm good with children (could be the case for most women, so I wasn't really impressed)

3) And THEN the fun starts...she begins describing my last serious relationship. I won't go into too many details, but she described the man to a T and THEN SOME. She told me to let him go. "He'll never change," she said. I agreed and waited for her to tell me more.

4) She then started telling me about my future love. :) I'm supposed to meet a man in February or March with light hair that will be an interim relationship and within 2 years I'll meet "THE ONE" and he'll be a dark haired man with a connection to my childhood. She clarified this by stating that he would either have a connection to Alabama or I will have known him from childhood. Then she said I'd know him the instant I meet him.

5) She said I would have my first child at the age of 32. (Looks like mom's got 5 years to go before being a grandma!)

So, strangely enough, this single encounter with a psychic brought back my hope that some day I'll meet the man of my dreams. Funny how a little bit of hope can change your perspective on life. :)

So this post begins a little therapy for me. I'll probably be going back through some of the experiences of the last year and recalling a few things I've learned and a few things that I already knew. I can't say I've planned any of it out, but I guess we'll see what happens. Hopefully, my writing will get better and my newer stories won't be as crazy as my older ones. (One can only hope!)